A time when some things mean less, Other things mean more...

It is now of an hour of when I should probably be turning out the the lights, but, I doubt that sleep would come quickly so felt that maybe I should try to rearrange some of the letter on my keyboard instead. As a little boy I remember my Grandfather giving me an old tire (almost the same size I was) to roll up and down his lane. It was really quite simple..Get it rolling, keep giving it a kick to keep it going, and then, watch with dismay as you stopped to have this heavy ol tire flop back down on the ground. Then you'd have to grunt like crazy to repeat the process all over again. Yes,sometimes being busy and having to keep alot of things rolling can be a blessing , but is the quiet moments though, where it seems your emotions will just sometimes, come crashing down. I never thought that it would be hard to pack a simple box. I took some of Lanita's old sweaters that I figured might as well get packed into a box and lets just say this..I won't be critical of anybodies emotional state as they do something like this. It is quite clear to one's mind that the reason you are doing it, isn't due to there not being enough closet space. The hole in your heart is definitely bigger than the one in the closet. As I held my wife's weakened hand this afternoon, I noticed how much shallower her breathing is and reflected on how different communication has become. She only seems to whisper or talk quite quietly but the words are few. I had to cry as I left today as I felt her use the extra of her strength just to simply squeeze my hand,  to force her eyes to stay open even though her body said no, and then whisper out the words, "I Love You".  Today she told me, "I'm just willing to now wait for whenever it is 'God's Time' and I can only marvel at the beauty of a canvas that is being painted with eternal brushstrokes. For some reason it seems to take so long, to write so little. It is also true that, yes, tough guys do cry, and without rain, we'd never see a rainbow. Goodnight for now, Eldon

January 23rd

I would have to say that the hospice has become almost a second home. Lanita has been telling us that she's in 'no-man's land'. Everyone's been wondering the state she's in and how things are going and so I will try to fill you in the missing blanks since my last update. I do have to say that the kids have settled in very well at home. Routine is great (even if it is always fun)! It is amazing what a difference an extra pair of hands make around a house, but things are into a pretty good rhythm. The alarm clock squawks away at 5:50am, porridge made, kids get rolling. The bus screeches to a halt at 7:10 for Makaela, Caden dashes off to catch his bus at 7:25, and I roar off in the truck at 8:10 with Damon and the neighbour kid. In the midst of it all, we seem to get all the other things done, (Just like all you great moms out there), things like teeth brushed, hair done, dishes put away, and things tidied up. Ok, once in a while a bed or two might not get made but all in all, i'm pretty proud of what does get accomplished! Try to hit the doors to the hospice by 9:30 to see my beautiful wife and see what kind of night she had. There is no predicting anything. Generally she's a little more awake in the beginning part of the morning. She will often have a few bites of porridge as her breakfast, and Lunches will often consist of a popsicle stick or two. Somedays it seems that she just can't get her eyes to open and then there are other days when she will have a few "awake" periods for an hour or two. Each day is one of those 'what have we got today' days, but we love her just the same! She has 4 butterflies on her (not the tattoo's type), where they inject her for her meds. One on each arm, two in the abdomen. The nurses have done a fabulous job at getting the nausea under control and also in keeping one jokester husband in line! I'm finding the patients to be quite interesting people in many different ways and often there is something going on that humors the day. It makes you glad that when you do put first things first, these times aren't times of distress, fear, or anxiety. God truly has been a God of great comfort and it is wonderful to reflect on the point that God has always given so much more than he has ever taken. There is no better hands to be in than 'God's Hands'. We don't know what the plan is for God's timing but know it has always been perfect. This experience has shown so well the spirit of our servants, the spirit of his people, and drawn us not only closer as an 'eternal family' but also unveiled so many more of God's pictures that were either veiled, unknown, or maybe just not as clear as they should have been. I know I have said it many times, these aren't only rich times, they are enriching. Anytime we are forced to stop and  look into our own hearts and souls, getting a realignment done, so that we could be ready for when our time comes, is a precious gift. Each day is unique. Some days we get greeted with the smile of Lanita's brown eyes, sometime's she is only to smile with her pearly whites, but no matter what her state is that day, we always get greeted with a kind, gracious, and thankful spirit. If you come to visit, and say a few minutes of hello, the family will always let you know the state she is in. Oh, and by the way, the coffees's always on!

January 23rd

I would have to say that the hospice has become almost a second home. Lanita has been telling us that she's in 'no-man's land'. Everyone's been wondering the state she's in and how things are going and so I will try to fill you in the missing blanks since my last update. I do have to say that the kids have settled in very well at home. Routine is great (even if it is always fun)! It is amazing what a difference an extra pair of hands make around a house, but things are into a pretty good rhythm. The alarm clock squawks away at 5:50am, porridge made, kids get rolling. The bus screeches to a halt at 7:10 for Makaela, Caden dashes off to catch his bus at 7:25, and I roar off in the truck at 8:10 with Damon and the neighbour kid. In the midst of it all, we seem to get all the other things done, (Just like all you great moms out there), things like teeth brushed, hair done, dishes put away, and things tidied up. Ok, once in a while a bed or two might not get made but all in all, i'm pretty proud of what does get accomplished! Try to hit the doors to the hospice by 9:30 to see my beautiful wife and see what kind of night she had. There is no predicting anything. Generally she's a little more awake in the beginning part of the morning. She will often have a few bites of porridge as her breakfast, and Lunches will often consist of a popsicle stick or two. Somedays it seems that she just can't get her eyes to open and then there are other days when she will have a few "awake" periods for an hour or two. Each day is one of those 'what have we got today' days, but we love her just the same! She has 4 butterflies on her (not the tattoo's type), where they inject her for her meds. One on each arm, two in the abdomen. The nurses have done a fabulous job at getting the nausea under control and also in keeping one jokester husband in line! I'm finding the patients to be quite interesting people in many different ways and often there is something going on that humors the day. It makes you glad that when you do put first things first, these times aren't times of distress, fear, or anxiety. God truly has been a God of great comfort and it is wonderful to reflect on the point that God has always given so much more than he has ever taken. There is no better hands to be in than 'God's Hands'. We don't know what the plan is for God's timing but know it has always been perfect. This experience has shown so well the spirit of our servants, the spirit of his people, and drawn us not only closer as an 'eternal family' but also unveiled so many more of God's pictures that were either veiled, unknown, or maybe just not as clear as they should have been. I know I have said it many times, these aren't only rich times, they are enriching. Anytime we are forced to stop and  look into our own hearts and souls, getting a realignment done, so that we could be ready for when our time comes, is a precious gift. Each day is unique. Some days we get greeted with the smile of Lanita's brown eyes, sometime's she is only to smile with her pearly whites, but no matter what her state is that day, we always get greeted with a kind, gracious, and thankful spirit. If you come to visit, and say a few minutes of hello, the family will always let you know the state she is in. Oh, and by the way, the coffees's always on!

Wednesday

Lanita has a wonderful way of making everyone feel special. She loves the souls of so many people. Due to her declining strength and so limited energy some decisions are having to be made. We don't want the children to be robbed of time that they need the feel the hand of their mother. We will be contacting everyone that is scheduled and the visits will be set by lanita going forward. You can email me as I read all the emails to Lanita and we will respect her in every way these final days. We appreciate everyone's care and concern and also their sensitivity to these matters. Sincerely written by a loving husband and a caring father.

Hospice Time

As the curser blinks, waiting for me to type, there is flood pouring through my heart, my mind, and out my eyes. The clock on the wall hadn't crawled much past 6 on Sunday night when Lanita whispered to me, "I think it's time to go---to the hospice". The nausea had almost become unbearable along with the smells from cooking and the usual household noise. It is not an easy thing for a mother to say this and so the ball was put into motion. I ended going to the hospice personally that night and talking with the staff. She was on their list and it just so happened that one bed was available. Rather than move that night, she wanted to stay for the sake of the children. We called all the kids into our room for a visit to explain the plans. Two sets of brown eyes and one set of blue, looked with worry at their mother as she sat on the end of the bed and wrapped her arms around them. A tentative question is put forward to her, "mom, when will you be getting better?" The mother, in her quieter voice, answered, "son, I won't be getting better." Those words,...though real,...,and not spoken lightly,......are some of the most painful words that needed to be said. We explained what a hospice was and the type of care that Lanita would have so that there would be a little less fear. Children are perceptive though, but I am so thankful that we have a solid foundation and God is our rock. We took Lanita to the hospice at noon monday where we got her settled in. It is a wonderful facility and it great to know that 24/7 there are others there to help make sure that everything is taken care of so that burdens can be taken from us and allow us to just spend more time with someone we love. Lanita's mom & dad came back from vancouver Sunday night and Dad flew out of Calgary to Vancouver, where, the next morning, him and Brent drove here. All the family will be coming this week. Darren and Bethany ended up finally having the new arrival they where waiting for, a beautiful baby girl. "Ella Laurel Lanita Stewart", 9 pounds 13 ounces. This experience has taught me how far a few kind words can go and to be touched in a way that I could never imagine. It has caused me to only love my children more. I know I might repeat myself a few times, but, again, thank you for your open hearts. It gives a deeper peace and a deeper love. We have been muchly blessed and enriched.

Visiting

It is Saturday evening and there is a quiet calm. It is wonderful to have kids in school and a semblance of routine. Lanita is having some good days and, some not so good days and it seems that her energizer batteries are not recharging very well. She has, and does, enjoy her visits with people but it is time to publicly let people know that we are now asking people to respect her limited energy. We would like anyone wishing to visit or talk to Lanita to please contact myself (Eldon) via my cell, 250-682-0607 (call or text) or email us at eldonlarson@gmail.com.. We would like to keep the visits to 15 minutes as it takes Lanita a whole day to recover from visiting. We unfortunately will have to limit visits and time but we also need family time with Lanita as well. These days are very precious to us. The nature-path doctor we where seeing in Kelowna has done all that can be done to help but that road has come to an end as well. Lanita said she is done on that side of things and will spend the remaining time and energy here at home. The boys went hiking with Ron Scheller today and had a great time hiking in the falling snow and tossing a few snowballs as well. It was great for them to have a little change of scenery, enjoy a good ol' Tim Hortons Hot Chocolate, and have a few laughs. Yesterday was a little too much on the visiting front so today has been a whole day of sleep for my beautiful wife. Hopefully she can borrow a little energy from that energizer bunny, if she can find him.

Nausea gets worse

These last seven days have been....well,.. I don't even know how to put it properly into words. You would think that it should be easy to write down simple things like events, etc., but the emotions that can go along with it can be like trying to ride a tornado. My sister Sherri got back to our place on Thursday with Damon (our middle boy) and her suitcase packed with painting clothes. She soon had everyone involved in transforming Makaela's bedroom. Baseboards where ripped off and paintbrushes and rollers flew. While that was going on Damon's room was being finished being built downstairs. By Sunday Makaelas room was repainted, re-trimmed, windows cased, new curtains, and a new light. Damons room was completed including new doors, carpet, paint, etc.. Thanks to Brents determined ways, and a house of organized chaos, I have two happy children sleeping in new bedrooms. During all this, Veronika and Mom also looked after meals and Lanita. Lanita's nausea was settled down for a couple of days and then seemed to come back stronger again. We tried to control it with just her dex meds but it was soon back to full dosage nausea meds again. Her body seems to be telling her something and the message seems to be getting louder. We will continue to do all we can nutritionally as well as to control the nausea, but it seems that Gods plan of acceptance is the journey to be taken. As Lanita continues this journey, we will each go through this time with our own personal unique journeys as well. All I can say, is that there has been a lot of very rich moments through this experience. We have been so blessed these last few days to have a couple of Gods Servants, LaDon Loyek, and Rick Larson, stay with us. My heart is full and maybe, in time, I might be able to share some of these rich times in the form of written word. Lanita's hair still continue's to fall out bit by bit so things are looking a little patchier but she isn't bald yet. She is having her food thrown in the blender to make things go easier and every once in awhile, I watch her have a little grin, as she wipes the crumbs from her mouth while savouring one of those holiday cookies! Tomorrow is another day in her little journey. Her heart continues to reach out and envelope the hearts of everyone she knows. We are thinking also of Keith Olsen on his journey these final days as well.